How Much Follow Up is Professional? How Much is Borderline Glenn Close?

I have yet to find a good balance between consistent and annoying. I feel that some people can get away firing off emails to busy EPs and agents with the subject heading: CHECKING IN. Those people are the same people who can be forty five minutes late for work everyday and keep getting promoted. They are the same people who sign there emails THANKS. I don’t know about you, but every time someone hits me with a THANKS I want to punch them. If I’m going to waste someone’s time I at least think a formal THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR READING MY PILOT is appropriate.

While Hollywood certainly rewards a good set of balls, you can’t seem annoying or desperate. You have to seem cocky-cloaked-in-modest, cool, grateful AND like you don’t give a fuck. Whatever you do, don’t show weakness. Don’t tell them you need to sell this script because you need to feed your baby/pay off your car/pay for your surgery/move out of your brother’s garage. That is a huge buzzkill. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that people really don’t give a fuck about your bills or pets or family. You’re here to be a professional writer. Not to cry about your personal problems. Bottom line, you have to seem like you have your shit together. It’s okay if you really don’t. Just seem like you do.

During my days at D-girl at a crappy production company we had screenwriters showing up on our doorstep everyday CHECKING IN. They’d call and try to bribe me with shit. It was sad. But now I find myself doing the same thing. I totally tried to bribe an assistant at Brillstein with a box of Shari’s Berries.

But now I’m thinking I should have gone bigger. I should have written a 10 page, single spaced check-in email and taped it to a $190 Pepperidge Farm Holiday Basket. Even though it’s not “The Holidays.” I think that would have worked.

Producers are a squirrely bunch.

So I made this amazing producer friend via LinkedIn. He’s one of the EPs on a very popular half hour comedy and is cool and has a mustache and hangs out at hipster restaurants and is an all around rad guy.

I convince said producer to read my original pilot. Producer liked it. Gave me notes. I did re-writes for him. SEVERAL. Told me I did a good job and that he wanted to send it to his agents and then take it out together…That was months ago.

Now I’m sure you’re wondering, why would a bad-ass chick like me buy into that? I don’t look or act stupid and I don’t sleep with dudes who aren’t my husband.

So what gives? Why the crickets from cool mustache producer guy? I know you’re thinking, I don’t know this chick Saffron very well, but she might be an idiot.

Well I’m not. And I know my pilot was good. And I know the re-write was even better.

Homeboy was just trying to help out a young writer and if something happened, then it happened.

So do I think he ever sent it to his agents? Probably. And his agent’s assistant probably ready 10 pages and told his boss to pass. I get it. I don’t blame the assistant. But if I ever see him or her I’m breaking some fucking legs.

Oh hello BLOG!! Back from the Hades of Writer’s Block.

I admit it. I am a total freakin’ loser who lost my password to my blog and became wordpress-retarded for the past year. My sister hates it when I use the word “retarded” because she works with special needs children and she is a better person than me. Anyhow, I truly believe that even though you may abandon your dreams and desires on a short term basis (I consider anything less than five years short term), you are always aching to pick up the pen or the laptop.

The art of writing is a dance with our most authentic self. she is our partner. Sometimes we hate our partner. She can be a real bitch.

Sometimes she leads us into a world so alluring, it seduces us and transports us from our mundane reality. It truly is Magik. And like all Magik, it tricks and frightens us and we’re not sure which end of the sword we’ll end up on.

First Order of Business: The Dreaded Spec

It’s only dreaded because it took me over three years to finish my office spec. No fucking joke. Yeah, I know, there’s no way I can cut it in a real writer’s room if it takes me 1277.5 days to write twenty two pages. I mean, it’s not THAT BAD, right? I’m averaging 58.06 days per page…Oh wait, not 58 pages a DAY, that would be impressive, but 1 page every 58 days. Haha. So now you know what I’m dealing with! I am so FUCKED.

But I don’t care. I’m determined to get a staff writing job on a network or cable TV show and work in Burbank. I’m being specific because the universe never gives me shiz when I am vague. So here you go universe, I am asking you to please put me on the path to becoming a staff writer.

Alright. Uh…okay. Where do I start? I’m sitting here trying to churn out some original pilot ideas so I can impress some showrunners. Crickets up there. Nothing. Just inane stupid thoughts – I have to dry my hair before it becomes a fro, should I be worried that I had a bloody mary (or five) every night this week? Was that Diagnose-me predictor test thing online for real? Am I really eating to much animal product?

Yeah, I got nothing. So next I think about consulting my handy dandy TV writing book…only the first three chapters are dedicated to Mad About You and how to properly set the margins on your word processor.

Can anyone help point me in the write direction? Someone good, not evil preferably???

I’ve Been Here Busting My Ass But Can I SELL This Shit?

I’ve been here few years, okay more than a few. But I still watched Saved By The Bell on saturday mornings people, so you catch my drift. I’m not “old,” but I ain’t one of these nineteen year old USC kids who’s brilliant, rich and going to end up running Paramount soon. I’m here in LA because I want to WRITE. I want it so bad it hurts, weighs on me. My spirit guides shake their heads at me, completely disgusted. Writing is ALL I’ve ever wanted to do. And now I’m going for it. 1000%.

And I’m going to post my ups and downs, humiliations and hopefully successes for all 4 of you in cyberspace. Wish me luck.

Out With the Old (Memories)

When you have memories..memories from years past, of old boyfriends and reckless nights smoking and playing guitar with strangers…those memories can creep in to your present adventure – the one with the decent man and clean living. They creep in low, dark plumes of nostalgia. And they make u miss. But the answer is to let some of your former darker self into your new life. Reveal it to him as messy and unflattering as it may be. Smoke a cigarette together after making love. Bring some of that darkness into your light, because you can’t escape it.

Do the people on Mad Men REALLY drink and smoke that much?

Good God they lead delicious lives. Dressed in gorgeous textures and neatly structured dresses and suits, perfectly coiffed, perfectly mannered – and perfectly awkward. Is it just me or are an INSANE number of awkward moments on that show. In fact they show call it “Awkward People and Awkward Situations in the 60s.” That’s the real title, but I heard AMC told Matthew Weiner it sucked. Think about it – there’s almost no resolution to some of the story lines, there’s a ton of weird cuts, entire CHAPTERS are seemingly left out from these peoples lives and GODDAMMIT I AM SO ADDICTED!! I think it’s because in addition to being dressed awesome ALL THE TIME, these people drink and smoke at home, at work, on the subway, while they’re driving. My work life would be INFINITELY better if every time I walked into a co-worker’s office I could light up a smoke. But then of course I would be required to wear a tight, wool dress, tailored to my curvy figure. I don’t think Ann Taylor Loft has any these days…maybe Marshall’s. I fucking love Mad Men. In fact I’m drinking and smoking in the middle of the day because of it. Cheers!